Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
