Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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