brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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