you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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