I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
