They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Randomize
