My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
