I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
