I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
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I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
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I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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