I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
