i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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