Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...