Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?