i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
