I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
