this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.