a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My vagina just clenched in fear
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.