I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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