Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
