i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
