I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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