Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
