Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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