you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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