Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
