I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
