why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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