I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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