The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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