You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
