Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
