Betty ford says i'm here all night
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
