I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
