A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
