So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
