I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
