Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
