I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
