can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I did not marry a roomba.
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