omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
