I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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