The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
