I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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