my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
