I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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