I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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