my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
