Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
