Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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