I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
