My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
