Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
