he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He did a backflip because drugs
Come on in and take your pants off
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