He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
