Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
