just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
