Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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