I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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