Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You are a genius and a whore.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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